It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. - E. E. Cummings

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. - E. E. Cummings

 

 I've been battling with this for a very long time.  Having the courage to grow up and become who I really am.  For a long time I just didn't want to rock the boat.  I've lived my life as quietly as I possibly could.  Being completely uncomfortable in  my own skin. I was unsure of what and who I was but more so was how to handle the outside world's opinion if they really knew.  I don't look like a queer, a lesbian, a homosexual, in fact, you would never be able to guess if you saw me on the street.  That comes with it's ups and downs, but  I have no wants to cut all my hair off and I just haven't found a dress that sports rainbow colors to my liking.  So in turn,  at 34, I get a lot of : Do you have a husband? Do you have kids? Why not? and when I simply answer "No?"  Here comes the awkward stare and the anxiety attack building up within me from anticipating how I should answer this and fear of how the other person will react, because the acquisition is far from over. 

I've had all sorts of reactions come my way, none are predictable.  From my distant family telling me they love me "anyway"... all the way to someone walking away from me. One lady even had the nerve to tell me she would pray for me.  I'll never forget that day.  When that seemingly pleasant conversation at work turned so very wrong.  It was break time and I was getting a cup of coffee when this middle aged colored woman asked me if I was married and did I have children.  I could tell she was the go to church on Sunday type, it was likely that she sung in the choir and wore a huge hat to those services.  I swallowed hard and said, "No, I'm not married, and no I don't have children but maybe one day I will." I thought that was the best answer I could give in that situation, however the prodding into my personal life continued. "Do you have a boyfriend, A pretty girl like you should have a boyfriend?" blah blah blah... and the "man" speech continued from this stranger until I just quietly said "I'm gay."  The utter shock on this woman's face was priceless, but that in itself confused me, she was a colored lady and we were in South Louisiana... you would think she may know a thing or two about oppression and prejudices  and wouldn't have the heart to do it to someone else.... WRONG.... Here it came... the BIBLE thumping!!! In a room full of people, I stood there not knowing what to say as I've been slapped in the face with the bible yet one more time. Finally I just started walking away and as you would guess she followed me out of the break room with "I'll pray for your soul!" at the top of her voice and at that point... I couldn't help myself and the Bitchy Lipstick Lesbian appeared, took over my body and the quiet girl who wanted to avoid a scene was tired of it.... So I replied in a quiet even tone,  "You go ahead and pray for my soul, I would greatly appreciate that... and tonight when I'm laying in bed with my lover I'll be sure to pray for yours, you judgmental hypocrite.  I may not be able to recite the bible to you word for word but one thing I know is that God created us all unique and he loves each and every one of us and it's not your place to judge me or anyone else. Treat others as you would have done to you.  Do you remember that commandment? Judge not lest ye be judged! And for your information the Bible is NOT the only book you can learn from you know. You might want to try Martin Luther King Jr.'s autobiography!" You can imagine the look on her face as what I said registered in that tiny, misguided brain of hers. She stood there speechless which was an accomplishment in itself. But all I could think of is Did I just say that to the colored lady? 

That was the first day I ever stood up for myself.  Since coming out of the proverbial closet, I've been met with shock, disapproval, being disowned by my parents. I've been called a child molester, and I still don't get the connection between Gay and Pedophile but the weak minded always seem to throw that in there. I've been made to feel threatened, insignificant, worthless, wrong, an abomination, a sinner, even like a total mistake, amongst other things. I'm not sure if it's worse to be made to feel that way from your family or from strangers.  They both have a huge impact on your self esteem and thought processes. Being Gay is something you live with with every breathe you take.  It infuriates me when people say It's a choice.  All I can think of ... is Really??? You think it's a choice... kinda like the choice I made to wear this shirt today.... You think anyone would make the choice to be gay in South Louisiana... you think living in fear of being Gay Bashed like so many of my friends, or being shot in a public mall for wearing rainbow colors on my T shirt is a choice that a sane person would make? How about being disowned my your entire family, (the people who made you and are suppose to love you) ? Those are some pretty great choices there. Well if it was that easy ... then hell: I'll take COMBO #3  White Picket Fence with 2.5 kids with a side of financial security and an extra large Coke!! and ohhh can  you add a Cocker Spaniel to that please! Thanks!! 

                                     ~Miss B